Waiting in Vain

When I was young, I never thought of myself as a child. I had a hard time relating to the kids that were my own age and was much more comfortable around much older kids or adults. I always assumed that the feeling of awkwardness I felt would disappear when I became an adult myself because that was clearly where I was meant to be. I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm a complete mess, and one seriously screwed up adult.

Years of waiting for what was to come next and doing things today because of what they would bring tomorrow created a pattern of life for me that has only dug me deeper and deeper into the ruts left from my prairie wagon that is loaded down with my lifetime's full of heavy baggage. I'm now an obsessive planner and struggle constantly to be in and appreciate the moments as they happen but almost never succeeding. I sit for hours daydreaming about how I want my life to be Someday. My imagination has become my prison and I am my mind's house elf.

In the 4th grade, while having a random conversation with my friend Mike, he made a benign comment and beginning that day my secret affections began building little by little for him. For nearly 10 year I kept the image of he and I together in my subconscious mind. I haven't seen or spoken to him for 9 years and the last couple of years I knew him he was a real jerk, but I still dream about him. I see this as my mind telling me that I'm obsessing over something/someone and I need to reevaluate; that I'm loosing perspective and I need to step back a bit.

I wake up every day to find myself in exactly the same place and I'm no wiser than the fool that I was before. I don't feel there has been progress in my life for many years. Fear, paranoia, self-doubt, and suspicion scratch at me constantly. I feel like I want - and perhaps need - a change, something that will shake me loose from the hole I've wedged myself in. Now I just need to determine what that change is and where I can find it. But that seems impossible.

I have grown accustomed to drifting from day to day like a zombie. I am full of ideas and aspirations and goals but I can't remember the last time I felt I was working toward any of them. I don't feel productive anymore; I've become the chaser of a phantom tail. I make plans for this or that (go to grad school, move to a far off exciting place, et cetera) hoping that it will give me the life I want and along with it will come the happiness I've always longed for. Knowing all the while that I need first to be happy with myself know that being who I am is enough and the rest will fall into place, I just can't seem to do that. I see myself as wanting such simple things, but it seems they may be harder to attain than the grandiose. The only thing I know for certain is that I'm tired of waiting.