I am feeling sad and quite alone today. I'm no stranger to these emotions (I was once told that I was a walking sad-ism) but they are never any easier and I don't like them.
My niece was here for 10 days and just went home yesterday. The house seems much quieter now and it's a little sad, especially since she told me at least 50 times that she wanted to stay with me and not go home. She is such a happy child; I think she is like me in most every way but that.
I have seen very little of my partner the past few months. This is unimaginable difficult for me because I am so used to us doing everything together. The serious abandonment issues I have don't make this any easier either. Hopefully we'll be together soon.
At the zoo the other day I found that watching all the families walk past made me suddenly realize that I am in my late 20s. Not to say that I have a ticking biological clock but I have always wanted a family and a daily routine, the sort of boring and mundane things that typically go unnoticed. I don't exactly want children now but I want to not feel transitional. I would like to finally finish my BA that I've been working on for 8 years now. I would like a house with a garden, a place to invite the people I love and make them feel at ease. I just want to feel content with where I am in life.
All my life I have wanted to be old. Not older like when kids want to be 13, 16, 18, 21...whatever, I wanted to be 65, 70, 75. I want to be retired (by which I mean work for fun and not money), I want to have big family dinners with children and grandchildren, I want to take that family on a vacation to a new place every year. My mother has always said that I have an old soul, maybe it has something to do with that and maybe that is why I have always felt like I am waiting for something, for someone... maybe for the someone I want to be.
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